Today I am writing from a place of defeat.
I feel stressed, exhausted, inadequate, and exhausted...oh wait I already mentioned that didn't I?
In my first post I talked about the many aspects of my life I have to juggle. I talked about writing of all the tips and tricks I use to keep balanced. But truth is...it's all a big act of winging it. And today I feel like my luck with winging it has officially ran out.
My daughter is 14 months old. She is at the age where she is constantly challenging EVERYTHING. She has just started walking so I have to watch her every move. Who would of thought how exhausting that could be. Just follow around a little human Aisha...all day...everyday. Its not hard. Mums all around the world do it. Mums younger than you. Mums who have less support than you. Its easy Aisha.
But do you know what? For me its hard, really hard. I think it is harder when I have that voice running through my head. The voice that tells me I am inadequate. I feel guilt every time I struggle. Guilt for not being able to cope. In my darker moments my mind turns the Children's Court. Before becoming a mum I would look at cases my firm deals with, and think bloody hell. How could they?! How could these mothers and fathers neglect, abuse, and basically can't get their shit together for the sake of their kids. The idea of shitty parents is a foreign concept to me. Ironic because my dad is useless as they come, but my mother gave up everything for me. She sacrificed so much to give me this life, and the thought of other mothers not doing the same, especially when we are the ones that grow our children, and birth them into this world, is just bizarre to me.
But now I get it.
Obviously I don't get how mothers and fathers delve into their darkest selves and inflict heinous crimes...particularly the worst cases of abuse. However I get how parents who have no support, no money, no home, no family, no education, and usually in the cases I have seen, combined with drug and alcohol abuse, family violence and multiple children; act out and loose their shit.
I of course have never raised a hand to my daughter and can confidently say I never will. But parenting it hard. Soooo friggin hard. So I get how parents who don't have the life that I do, struggle to parent with a level head and end up neglecting or whacking their kids out of frustration. Of course they would. It makes sense. Total sense.
So bringing it back to today, I feel like one of these parents, a useless one. A parent who has cracked under the general pressures and stresses that parenthood inevitably brings. But instead of slaying it, keeping my head held high, and a bright smile on my face, I am worn out. Completely and utterly worn out.
Last Friday my assignment was due. I attempted to do an elective unit over summer for my law degree. I planned on making a start on my assignment 2 weeks before the due date. But I failed. Work built up. I couldn't say no. Zaria was extra challenging these past two weeks. My mother (whom I live with), went on holidays and I felt guilty dumping Zaria on her during her break so I could study. It got hot. Like really hot. I can't study when its hot. Then Zaria got sick. Then I caught what Zaria had, and also got sick. Shit just kept coming up. And the assignment kept getting push to the bottom of the list.
I have this best friend, who's also a young single mum trying to finish her uni degree as well. She gets it. When I loose my marbles she's the one I turn to vent.
Today I messaged her, finally accepting the fact that I am not able to do my assignment, or sit my exam. She advised me end of last year to take this summer off and give myself a break. I am kicking myself that I didn't listen to her in the first place. She, like always, gave me helpful and supportive advice.
'Ish email the uni, reach out to them. Explain you are a young single mum. That its only you and your mum at home. That your mum works full time and so do you. That you work full time yourself. That your daughter doesn't go to daycare so you look after her all day, work all night and work all weekend. That somewhere in between those major commitments you try and find the time to do housework, washing, cooking and baking. That between just those commitments you get 5 hours sleep max during the night. And that is even before you try and factor in study. They will understand. Next trimester starts in March. Gather yourself in the next month and try again. You aren't inadequate. You don't suck. You are an amazing mum. Zaria is happy and healthy. You are in a good place with your employers. You have enough money to pay your bills and build a home. You are okay. Uni will wait for the next month. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK'.
How good are friends? Miss saves me from myself all the time.
I have avoided withdrawing my unit and emailing the uni all day. But writing this blog, Miss' message, and the fact that Zaria is finally giving me a break and gave in to a nap, has given me the courage and rest that I desperately needed to sort my uni out for the rest of the year.
My breathing has slowed down. I don't feel like I am on the brink of a panic attack that can burst to the surface at anytime. I feel like I'm in control now. Well that's a lie. I feel like I am in control over the next few hours. Tomorrow, next week, next month, next year - I'll probably have set backs like this. But in this moment, for now, I need to know I am okay. And I am.
Thank you to my friend, Miss. You have no idea how much you do for me with just a few simple words of wisdom.
Friends are essential. If you have good ones like I do never let them go.
And if you feel like loosing your shit, do it, loose it, then bring yourself back to neutral. Life is challenging, and it always will be. But challenges force us to be bigger, stronger versions of ourselves, and looking in the mirror today, I can now confidently say that I like this version I have become.
A.
xx
